At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
- CS Lewis, A Grief Observed
This quote made sense to me. It's real and raw! And yet...
One of my greatest desires is to walk this journey with Heaven! There's this sense of freedom that I want God to release over my emotions. The ability to not need a "3 Step - How To" book to sort through my strange emotions. Instead, to be able to have a "normal" emotion moment and then a "deep, heart wrenching" emotion without it throwing me into a massive spiral. I like Jeff's quote,
"Many have said that the economy of the Kingdom operates backwards from that of the world. Actually, it's not the Kingdom that operates backwards. It's the world! Perspective is many times determined from what side of the equation you are on." I want a total Heaven perspective. I want to see God in the midst of all of this. I want to live the difference that He is!
The other night I watched the movie "Blended" with my brother. I'd had a few days where it was really hard to get myself out of this massive slump of emotion. I just felt like I was stuck in mud and there was no way to be freed. Well, when we put the movie on...so much was released out of me!! Oh my goodness…I have not laughed that hard in so very long! Seriously…crazy laughter and release! It was amazing! Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine. I felt a physical difference after the movie. I woke the next morning so much lighter and ready for what the day would hold.
So many times I've thought about how this journey I'm on is really a "money where your mouth is" journey. What I mean by that is that everything that Jeff and I preached, taught, discussed with people...it's now time to live it! How can I say that the bible says this or that in regard to living and then not live it? I'm walking grief through. What does that mean? How does that look? Where does it lead? The answer to the first two questions varies from person to person. That's a huge thing I've found. Oh sure, there are common things that happen while grieving, but the expression depends on the person. To the third question, where does it lead?...well, that all depends on which "Kingdom" it's walked through. I have decided that I want total LIFE from this journey. I want to look back and just see that a deepening took place in my relationship with Daddy God, that I celebrated and continued to honor a life of a man that I loved so dearly and that my daughter grew more and more in love with this God that her mother lives so passionately for. I want others to see more clearly what their created to be and challenged to live it to the fullest. If this journey leads to these things...woazers, how exciting is that!
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