This entry is a little more of a "keepin' it real" one!
Okay...the holidays after your husband passes away are really not a good time. No matter how hard I try...just not easy to "create new memories" this year! And when I really think about it, not too sure I'm meant to go at it that way anyway! Ha! I often find that I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to the emotions of this time.
My South Dakota "home" was always the one place I could come and it was truly home! A place that brought comfort and peace and just that amazing feeling of belonging! This year that image was changed ever so slightly! In November as my parents walked through some health issues that were just crazy sudden and serious (they are now doing better with some more healing to come!), it caused this "home" to "shake" a little. Talk about, "are you kidding me" kind of feelings over and over again. And then one night as I lay in bed God showed me very clearly that this is not my "home"! That everything on this earth is so very temporary and the things in my life that have been my comfort need to be "cracked" so that I hold very loosely to them in order to see Him so much more clearly. This is not the first time that God has had this conversation with me! In 1993 when I was doing my Discipleship Training School with YWAM in Taiwan, we had a very similar talk. I remember calling my mom and crying to her on the phone. I said, "Mom...God is telling me that I have to let go of you and Dad." And my Mom answered, "let go honey...let go"! Yep, that's the stock I come from. The foundation that was laid under me from the time I was born. Parents who know what it means for me to truly follow Jesus...no turning back! And from that point on they have done nothing but support the crazy things God has called me into...including a ridiculously short courtship with a guy called Jeff Taguchi! But they have always trusted the Jesus in me! That is something that I value and I honor them for their sacrifice.
So my "home" concepts are just all messed up now. I guess in some ways I begin to understand the Christmas season more and more as I walk this path called my life! You see, God...He sent His Son, Jesus, to earth...knowing that in a super short time that little baby would become a man hanging on a cross and feeling the ultimate betrayal of friends and family and be totally separated from God for a brief time in order to take on the sins of my life (and all the rest of the world). He knew it and yet He still did it. His love is so crazy incredible and so full of life. In that one death complete life sprang forth for eternity...like never before!
God is a really incredible Father! His love is so much deeper than our minds and hearts can even begin to imagine. He is secure. He is passionate. He is comfortable.
Sure, in my life there are a few things that I'd love to "zap" back to the way they were. But I can't. The truth is 9 years ago a man entered my life and wrecked me for life as I knew it. He impacted my family and he impacted a lot of my friends. He felt like every day he was the luckiest guy on earth...why...because He got to do what He loves best...tell people about an incredible Father and be love to them for the Father! I got more packed into that short time than a lot of people get in 30 or 40 years.
I realize now that so much of my heart looked at coming "home" to be a security for my heart...my soul! It's not. The only security of my soul is Jesus Christ. It's my God who has always been beside me. The family I have...incredible...amazing...and so very loving...they are a gift from that incredible Heavenly Daddy. They are not my security. They are my gift! And when I look at them as that and don't try to find security in these amazing people...then I live fuller and better and bring love to them so much greater!
This Truth is something that takes a bit of time to walk through. But just as in 1993 I let go and "jumped off the cliff" with God...so too will I jump off the cliff again now! As Jeff used to say...Don't stand on the edge, where's the faith in that...just jump!!
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Prayer...God...and emotions!
On November 20th I set out to "reclaim" the place that Jeff and I went on our weekly dates...Disneyland! I went with my friend Sarah. It was not too bad. We ran into one of Jeff's good friends, Bruce, while we walked through "cars land"on our way to "radiator springs racers". We waited in line (not too long) and then I just wanted to go have a sit down meal with her. Right as our food was brought out I got a phone call from my brother saying my mother had been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. This happened on the day that my father had just been released from the hospital after having a bacterial infection. So we packed up our food, stopped by the Starbuck's on the way out (these times call for a bit of caffeine!) and drove home. The rest of the late afternoon/evening was texts and then a phone call from my cousin, "Your mother's kidneys are failing. Come home now." We frantically started looking for tickets to Sioux Falls, SD!
Let me break down how powerful prayer is...
1) Our search for tickets had us at $5000 total (Lamont, Emilia, Aunt Helen and myself). After crazy searches for people with private planes to fly us home, we found an airfare to Minneapolis for about $1000 total and then rented a car to drive the 4 hours to Sioux Falls.
2) My mother had been having massive back spasms, she started talking crazy talk (similar to a stroke) and her kidneys shut down...ER had no idea what was going on. So we heard that she had heart damage, kidney problems, bacterial infection...and on and on! In the end it was definitely a life threatening problem...but God was so faithful and the morning we arrived (Friday) she had a 20 minute surgery to have a stent put into her kidney in order for the infection to drain out. She was then on a breathing tube as her breathing was extremely shallow. By the evening she was taken off that. On Saturday night she was moved out of ICU into a regular room. She then had a few nights there and by Wednesday was released from the hospital! She still has to have outpatient surgery for her kidney stones...but is resting at home and improving each day!
Prayer works!!
So our unplanned trip home was much needed...we were able to take the pressure off our amazing cousin, Julie, who had been shouldering the burden of both our parents being hospitalized. We were able to be there for our parents as they began to recover. And loving that we were there for that and that alone!!
So on the eve of my 49th birthday...yep I'm that old...I am in a very reflective state!
This month of December has always been a month that I've loved...it's about my birthday...and Christmas...and my anniversary to the man of my dreams! And yet this year there is this tint of an emotion that I had never in a million years expected to experience at this particular time in my life. As I turn another year older I understand more than ever what it means to embrace each moment of life to it's fullest. As I come closer to Christmas I truly haven't even put a lot of thought into buying gifts as I contemplate what this holiday time actually means. While I was in SD this past week and a half I realized how much my sweet Jeff got entangled into even my parents home! I kept seeing him everywhere I'd sit. He was in the fire place room working on his iPad, in the kitchen on his computer, in the TV room watching war movies with my Dad, in our bedroom sitting in the chair reading his bible. A place I thought would be much easier to be in was actually one of the hardest places to be! South Dakota was a place Jeff could hibernate from all that life was pulling from him! He could soak up things of God and have conversations that challenged others to look deeper into God's word! He could talk politics with my Dad and go to my Dad's carriage house to work with all his tools! So as I get closer to the end of December and the mark of our "what would have been" 9th year together...I'm amazed that in just that short time...in the span of human life and eternity...that this man impacted me more than any other person over the years of my life!
And even as I write this and tears stream down my face, there's this fight in my spirit that knows that 2015 is going to be such an explosively amazing year! A year of seeing the harvest come in. A year of seeing people know and understand who they are and what they were created to be! A year of pulling out the jewels in people that no one has ever seen! It is the year to take the "Taguchi assignment" to the the next phase! A book to publish, nations to love on, teams to unite, words to declare!
I continue to look for the "We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." that Romans talks about! It is there and I experience it often and I know that He...God...Daddy...is my complete strength and the reason that 2014 is not the most horrible year of my life, but rather a year that caused me to hold Him tighter and love Him more intimately and to truly say, "When I don't understand you, I get to choose to love you God!"...thanks Brian and Katie Torwalt for incredible words to so many incredible songs!!
Let me break down how powerful prayer is...
1) Our search for tickets had us at $5000 total (Lamont, Emilia, Aunt Helen and myself). After crazy searches for people with private planes to fly us home, we found an airfare to Minneapolis for about $1000 total and then rented a car to drive the 4 hours to Sioux Falls.
2) My mother had been having massive back spasms, she started talking crazy talk (similar to a stroke) and her kidneys shut down...ER had no idea what was going on. So we heard that she had heart damage, kidney problems, bacterial infection...and on and on! In the end it was definitely a life threatening problem...but God was so faithful and the morning we arrived (Friday) she had a 20 minute surgery to have a stent put into her kidney in order for the infection to drain out. She was then on a breathing tube as her breathing was extremely shallow. By the evening she was taken off that. On Saturday night she was moved out of ICU into a regular room. She then had a few nights there and by Wednesday was released from the hospital! She still has to have outpatient surgery for her kidney stones...but is resting at home and improving each day!
Prayer works!!
So our unplanned trip home was much needed...we were able to take the pressure off our amazing cousin, Julie, who had been shouldering the burden of both our parents being hospitalized. We were able to be there for our parents as they began to recover. And loving that we were there for that and that alone!!
So on the eve of my 49th birthday...yep I'm that old...I am in a very reflective state!
This month of December has always been a month that I've loved...it's about my birthday...and Christmas...and my anniversary to the man of my dreams! And yet this year there is this tint of an emotion that I had never in a million years expected to experience at this particular time in my life. As I turn another year older I understand more than ever what it means to embrace each moment of life to it's fullest. As I come closer to Christmas I truly haven't even put a lot of thought into buying gifts as I contemplate what this holiday time actually means. While I was in SD this past week and a half I realized how much my sweet Jeff got entangled into even my parents home! I kept seeing him everywhere I'd sit. He was in the fire place room working on his iPad, in the kitchen on his computer, in the TV room watching war movies with my Dad, in our bedroom sitting in the chair reading his bible. A place I thought would be much easier to be in was actually one of the hardest places to be! South Dakota was a place Jeff could hibernate from all that life was pulling from him! He could soak up things of God and have conversations that challenged others to look deeper into God's word! He could talk politics with my Dad and go to my Dad's carriage house to work with all his tools! So as I get closer to the end of December and the mark of our "what would have been" 9th year together...I'm amazed that in just that short time...in the span of human life and eternity...that this man impacted me more than any other person over the years of my life!
And even as I write this and tears stream down my face, there's this fight in my spirit that knows that 2015 is going to be such an explosively amazing year! A year of seeing the harvest come in. A year of seeing people know and understand who they are and what they were created to be! A year of pulling out the jewels in people that no one has ever seen! It is the year to take the "Taguchi assignment" to the the next phase! A book to publish, nations to love on, teams to unite, words to declare!
I continue to look for the "We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." that Romans talks about! It is there and I experience it often and I know that He...God...Daddy...is my complete strength and the reason that 2014 is not the most horrible year of my life, but rather a year that caused me to hold Him tighter and love Him more intimately and to truly say, "When I don't understand you, I get to choose to love you God!"...thanks Brian and Katie Torwalt for incredible words to so many incredible songs!!
Monday, November 10, 2014
Through the fog...
There's been quite a few mornings lately that I've awaken to really thick fog! It covers our neighborhood to the point that I can barely see the backyard of the neighbors house behind us. A few hours later the sky is bright and the sun is shining down in a magnificent way!
Over the past few months (and even before that) as I walk this journey, I find it's easy to get "stuck in the fog". A week and a half ago I was stuck in some really thick "fog" in my life. I could not see anything further than my own emotions. It was after a few meetings with a couple friends that helped clear a bit of the "fog". As I began to see the Son trying to "burn away the fog" I suddenly felt that it was now more than ever that I needed to be intentional in regard to keeping my spirit in the most predominant place in my life (rather than my emotions or body). I signed up for a 40 day "feasting in the spirit" with Wendy Backlund. I got a bunch of Graham Cooke CD's from a friend to listen to in the car. I just started thinking constantly on the things of the Spirit of God and not on my circumstances. What a fantastic journey!
So this past weekend I had a friend in town from Taiwan (sweet Dumile) and I felt that we needed to take a road trip to Redding. She had been around all of us who had been to Redding and the Bethel Church culture there and wanted to visit. So we took a super quick trip. The morning we left I asked Holy Spirit if He would just bring whatever encounters we needed to have. And also that everyone I was suppose to connect with while there...would happen. If it did not, then it was not meant to be!
Friday night we went to the Friday night service and it was amazing! At first I was bummed because it was going to be at the Twin View campus (not the main campus) and it sounded like we might have a live stream from the main campus (they were just completing the Leaders Advance). To my wonderful surprise we did not have a live stream...but a live Seth Dahl! I really enjoy listening to him. He is over the Children's ministry at Bethel. While we were waiting for the service to start who appears but Cindy Wong! We had posted a photo when we drove up and our friends, the Houghton's, were communicating to all of us to be sure to find each other! God made sure!
Saturday my focus was taking Dumile to the Healing Rooms. This is a place where people can go for pray for physical healing. Last time I was there I enjoyed going in simply to sit in the presence of God! The room has such an incredible presence of God that is full of peace and so much life! Dumile got blitzed as soon as we entered the room and then for the next hour and a half we had team after team come over to pray for us! Wow! God really did some special things in that room...and not just for Dumile...I got a bonus! Love it!
After our time at the Healing Rooms I went for a hair cut and color. A wonderful hair stylist in Redding blessed me in a massive way last time I was there with a beautiful color and cut! I thought I'd go back to her and bless her! What a fantastic afternoon of talk and encouragement in all that God is doing in both our lives!
Dinner with the family was special. The Hsu's hosted us and it was so good to come together for the night.
Sunday was so full!! From another service to an incredibly special meeting with a new friend to lunch at my favorite Indian restaurant in Redding to getting the last two spots for Prophetic ministry in the afternoon and then before leaving a wonderful chance meeting in the parking lot with Shawn Shirley...an incredible worship leader! She writes music for children that penetrates the hearts of adults as well!
Whew...what a weekend. In between all those events were encounters with people that I didn't think I'd find. The whole time I just spoke to my emotions that they do not reign...Wendy Backlund writes, "Your identity rests in who you are in Christ not who you are emotionally, physically or experientially". Therefore as I walked through the weekend I focused on the fact that my spirit exists with Christ! There were two circumstances where my emotions were "set off". I loved how quickly I was able to "silence" my emotions in order for the reality of my spirit to shine! It's a process...but it doesn't have to take forever!
Often when I'm talking to the women I meet with I see their feeling of exhaustion as they think about all the "work" it's going to take to transform their mind. This weekend the thing I experienced was that it definitely takes intention, but it is by no means work! There is such a freedom in not allowing my emotions to control my life! When we truly walk in the realization that our spirit is the only eternal part of us, our perspective begins to change. We care for it, we listen to it, we allow it to connect more and more to the one that allows our spirit to be eternal! The joy of the Lord is our strength...there's so much more to this than we give it credit for!
Over the past few months (and even before that) as I walk this journey, I find it's easy to get "stuck in the fog". A week and a half ago I was stuck in some really thick "fog" in my life. I could not see anything further than my own emotions. It was after a few meetings with a couple friends that helped clear a bit of the "fog". As I began to see the Son trying to "burn away the fog" I suddenly felt that it was now more than ever that I needed to be intentional in regard to keeping my spirit in the most predominant place in my life (rather than my emotions or body). I signed up for a 40 day "feasting in the spirit" with Wendy Backlund. I got a bunch of Graham Cooke CD's from a friend to listen to in the car. I just started thinking constantly on the things of the Spirit of God and not on my circumstances. What a fantastic journey!
So this past weekend I had a friend in town from Taiwan (sweet Dumile) and I felt that we needed to take a road trip to Redding. She had been around all of us who had been to Redding and the Bethel Church culture there and wanted to visit. So we took a super quick trip. The morning we left I asked Holy Spirit if He would just bring whatever encounters we needed to have. And also that everyone I was suppose to connect with while there...would happen. If it did not, then it was not meant to be!
Friday night we went to the Friday night service and it was amazing! At first I was bummed because it was going to be at the Twin View campus (not the main campus) and it sounded like we might have a live stream from the main campus (they were just completing the Leaders Advance). To my wonderful surprise we did not have a live stream...but a live Seth Dahl! I really enjoy listening to him. He is over the Children's ministry at Bethel. While we were waiting for the service to start who appears but Cindy Wong! We had posted a photo when we drove up and our friends, the Houghton's, were communicating to all of us to be sure to find each other! God made sure!
Saturday my focus was taking Dumile to the Healing Rooms. This is a place where people can go for pray for physical healing. Last time I was there I enjoyed going in simply to sit in the presence of God! The room has such an incredible presence of God that is full of peace and so much life! Dumile got blitzed as soon as we entered the room and then for the next hour and a half we had team after team come over to pray for us! Wow! God really did some special things in that room...and not just for Dumile...I got a bonus! Love it!
After our time at the Healing Rooms I went for a hair cut and color. A wonderful hair stylist in Redding blessed me in a massive way last time I was there with a beautiful color and cut! I thought I'd go back to her and bless her! What a fantastic afternoon of talk and encouragement in all that God is doing in both our lives!
Dinner with the family was special. The Hsu's hosted us and it was so good to come together for the night.
Sunday was so full!! From another service to an incredibly special meeting with a new friend to lunch at my favorite Indian restaurant in Redding to getting the last two spots for Prophetic ministry in the afternoon and then before leaving a wonderful chance meeting in the parking lot with Shawn Shirley...an incredible worship leader! She writes music for children that penetrates the hearts of adults as well!
Whew...what a weekend. In between all those events were encounters with people that I didn't think I'd find. The whole time I just spoke to my emotions that they do not reign...Wendy Backlund writes, "Your identity rests in who you are in Christ not who you are emotionally, physically or experientially". Therefore as I walked through the weekend I focused on the fact that my spirit exists with Christ! There were two circumstances where my emotions were "set off". I loved how quickly I was able to "silence" my emotions in order for the reality of my spirit to shine! It's a process...but it doesn't have to take forever!
Often when I'm talking to the women I meet with I see their feeling of exhaustion as they think about all the "work" it's going to take to transform their mind. This weekend the thing I experienced was that it definitely takes intention, but it is by no means work! There is such a freedom in not allowing my emotions to control my life! When we truly walk in the realization that our spirit is the only eternal part of us, our perspective begins to change. We care for it, we listen to it, we allow it to connect more and more to the one that allows our spirit to be eternal! The joy of the Lord is our strength...there's so much more to this than we give it credit for!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Father's Heart
This past weekend I had the privilege of attending the wedding of our friends Josh & Faith.
Joshua Dunsterville is a young man that Jeff has known his entire life. I met Josh a month or so before we got married. I then had the opportunity to spend a weekend of roller coasters with Josh, Jeff and my brother Lamont our first year of marriage.
He has grown into a very special young man with an amazing heart for others, as well as God!
Faith is someone that I have met several times, but have never spent a lot of time with. Even in the short times I've been around her I've seen what a special lady she is. This past weekend when I attended their wedding I saw why she is so special.
Faith comes from a family of 5 children. She is 4th in that line. Her family is full of life and incredibly close. It is apparent they enjoy life and time together. This is a great combination for the Dunstervilles, as they are also a very close family who have a good time in life!
As I watched Faith's father, Steve, I saw a really beautiful thing...a gorgeous Father's heart!
Everything from the details of their wedding to the beautiful message he shared before giving her away to Josh, it was apparent that he loved his daughter in a very special way.
The part I really liked was that this love was not just something he showed to Faith, but all of her siblings as well. He drove me to the hotel one night and talked about how Faith gave him the vision for what she wanted to see in her wedding...and he made sure it happened. This celebration was so simple it was elegant! From the wood the table head table was made of, to the food...everything was thought through and well put together. The father daughter dance was so special...at one point I felt that we should all leave the room and allow them some privacy in their moment! Truly special.
And as I think about Josh, I realize that God has given Faith a husband that will continue to show that Father's heart to her! God is really fun that way. Josh carries a caring Father's heart, that as time goes on is growing deeper and deeper.
It is not often that I see our Daddy in Heaven's heart displayed so beautifully on this earth. It's my desire to see it more often...and in fact this was/is the life's work of the Taguchis...so when I see it in the flesh, I get so overwhelmed with all God is.
Steve Wecker is a man that has done much throughout his life to provide for his family.
He is a lover of God, he is a good husband and a beautiful father.
Joshua Dunsterville is a man that in many ways is "just starting out" and yet has had this Father's heart in him for much of his life!
I am so thankful to have met Steve (even briefly) and to have had the blessing of celebrating a wedding with our good friends. At one point I even had a dream while I was there and Jeff was present in the dream! I don't dream about Jeff a lot...so this was super special. He held me and I felt him so closely. I was thrilled to be able to represent our family at this family celebration!
Monday, September 15, 2014
Crazy Radical Love...what an amazing life!
Today I was thinking about how incredibly blessed I am to be where I am in life. For years I have had a passion to equip others to fulfill their destiny. When I was in my 20's I had this same passion...but I just didn't really know how it looked. I was so young and how could I do this? And as I grew older I just naturally was a certain way with people and tried to champion them to the greatness they were! What God created them to be and not what the enemy lied to them about. It wasn't until many years later when I married Jeff that I felt "validated" in this lifestyle! Ha! Marrying Jeff was not the validation...God was my validator! But God allowed this marriage to increase who I was even more. Jeff was the greatest champion of who I was. He promoted women in ministry and believed in what women are able to be and do within the Kingdom. I constantly felt like I could do whatever I desired to do in regard to dreams of ministry etc. Wow...such a treasure to have this experience and culture all around me for those amazing years of marriage.
The best part is this past week is I've seen over and over again how innately it is a part of me. It IS who God created me to be. In a world that needs definition for identity I have a relaxed spirit that knows that I'm walking completely in who I am as a child of God.
But beyond me...as I walk in that naturally supernatural identity, tons of stuff happens that is just so fun!
When I was at the Open Heaven Cry Conference on Saturday I sat toward the back and watched passionate worshippers of God cry out for God and His presence. In doing that His glory was brought into the place and people had amazing experiences with the one true God! I watched a woman who is crazy radical for God and the fear of man is not even close to her heart! She is walking in such an intimate place with Daddy God and brings people right along with her. Her mother's heart is so beautiful and she loves through her expression and words on a regular basis. I had conversations with individuals that truly inspired me. A young man with a huge anointing allowed Holy Spirit to have total control of the room and honored him so well! And God encountered my heart through a 22 year old amazing young woman (who is wise beyond her years). I love it when someone ministers to me and then God allows me to minister right back to them! That people, is the Church!
Then I was back at our church NLCC for Sunday service and meeting up with friends that I haven't seen for a couple weeks. I get so excited about a new season of discipleship with some young women that are totally world changers.
In between all of that there have been divine appointments with people in my house and kisses from God when I just live totally in each moment.
My sister was with me for two weeks. She was not able to come when Jeff passed away and wanted to spend time with me. The best part is how she was able to get a taste of "my world" here in California. By no means is it typical.
My Aunt Helen is now in California...she has given me the joy of coming to live with me! Yep...she moved her life to California just to be with me and Emilia and to participate with us in life! So thrilled of this season and all that is going to happen in all of our lives (not to mention a community of people that we will be loving on!). I'm also so honored that with her here I'll be much more flexible to be able to go to the places God speaks to my heart to go and to continue training and equipping the hungry...and then releasing them to go out and do the will of the Father!
Whew...life is full. Life is good. And life is totally unexpected. Continue to breath in the goodness of God even in the midst of the crazy circumstances of life. Continue to know that eternity is for real...it is not just this world, but so massively beyond. The thing we each have to determine in our hearts is do we want it to be full and rich (the beyond part) or do we choose to be miserable and separated from God (the beyond part)? It's simply a choice...today is the time we start living either one of those choices.
The best part is this past week is I've seen over and over again how innately it is a part of me. It IS who God created me to be. In a world that needs definition for identity I have a relaxed spirit that knows that I'm walking completely in who I am as a child of God.
But beyond me...as I walk in that naturally supernatural identity, tons of stuff happens that is just so fun!
Then I was back at our church NLCC for Sunday service and meeting up with friends that I haven't seen for a couple weeks. I get so excited about a new season of discipleship with some young women that are totally world changers.
In between all of that there have been divine appointments with people in my house and kisses from God when I just live totally in each moment.
My sister was with me for two weeks. She was not able to come when Jeff passed away and wanted to spend time with me. The best part is how she was able to get a taste of "my world" here in California. By no means is it typical.
My Aunt Helen is now in California...she has given me the joy of coming to live with me! Yep...she moved her life to California just to be with me and Emilia and to participate with us in life! So thrilled of this season and all that is going to happen in all of our lives (not to mention a community of people that we will be loving on!). I'm also so honored that with her here I'll be much more flexible to be able to go to the places God speaks to my heart to go and to continue training and equipping the hungry...and then releasing them to go out and do the will of the Father!
Whew...life is full. Life is good. And life is totally unexpected. Continue to breath in the goodness of God even in the midst of the crazy circumstances of life. Continue to know that eternity is for real...it is not just this world, but so massively beyond. The thing we each have to determine in our hearts is do we want it to be full and rich (the beyond part) or do we choose to be miserable and separated from God (the beyond part)? It's simply a choice...today is the time we start living either one of those choices.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Heaven...
I spent a few days in Redding back in July. While I was there I decided to visit a grief counselor at the Bethel Transformation Center. The counselor I saw suggested a couple books for me to read. One was called Revealing Heaven by Kat Kerr.
So yesterday I picked the book up. In fact there are two volumes and I picked both of them up. After spending the day with my sister when we got home I decided to sit and read for awhile. Well, I couldn't put the book down. It was such a neat book. Now some may question this book and the authenticity...to be quite honest I do not. I had such an incredible peace as I read it. I have decided not to write about it in detail as I'm sure it would stir up controversy and that's not my intention for this blog post! But what happened to my spirit was crazy amazing. I could see Jeff in Heaven with our good friend Wes who just passed away last year. I could see him golfing on the most magnificent golf course. I could see him fishing in water that held the most incredibly beautiful and delicious fish! He is so happy. He is worshipping His amazing Father with a full voice of harmony and praise! He is also standing around the portal (that looks over the earth) declaring the promises of God over all of our family and friends that are still living on this earth! I also had a sensation of seeing him playing with our two children that were miscarried, Levi Robert and Amanda Michelle! They are so thrilled to have him there. They are laughing and dancing and just full of life!
I was ignited last night. I saw Heaven in a really real way. I didn't see it with my natural eye, but I felt it in my spirit. I feel like the purpose I have on this earth is so much more significant. I want to draw even closer and more intimate with Daddy God and hear His heart!
This afternoon I had a good friend write and tell me about a dream she had last night.
Jeff was in their kitchen talking to someone. He was smiling and laughing and in my friends head she was like, "Oh that's nice he's having a great conversation." Then fast forward to the afternoon where she and her husband and Jeff were sitting in their living room. Suddenly she was like, "WHAT? Jeff is HERE? and she asked him, "I thought you died awhile ago?" He smiled and said something about it being hard in the beginning, but now everything is ok. She then saw me posting on FB that something had happened (I didn't say what) and she could feel a crazy amount of joy/excitement/faith coming from me.
When I read what she dreamed I just started crying. I felt like God was confirming the peace I had. I felt like there had been this release in my spirit and that although I do miss his presence on this earth, for the first time I truly grasped that His spirit is still very much alive. He is walking on the most magnificent streets. He is seeing music...yep, not just hearing it, but seeing it expressed in creative and wonderful ways.
You see, if this earth we live on is so magnificent...how much more incredible, creative, beautiful and full of life is Heaven. God is the CREATOR! He is the one that thought up all the cool things we have here. He's the creator of our being and our minds. He loves creating with us here. How much more is He lavishing on all that have continued eternity with Him in Heaven! Woazers! Crazy amazing and incredible! What I also like about the book is how very clear she is that the only way that we can enter Heaven is through our confession and belief that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. He is the only way! That alone makes me crazy excited to continue to show the incredible love of Jesus to everyone I meet.
Yesterday I was in line at the bank...some people came in and before even waiting two minutes began to complain that there were not enough tellers (there were only two working). They yelled at some people to get more tellers. They complained the entire time. I tried to insert some positive things and some ways that we could constructively give our point of view that may help in the future. But they just kept complaining that it would take them 15 minutes to be served. Wow...people what have we become! That alone slowed me down. It allowed me to really look at priorities and how I treat people in every situation I'm in. I want to have that memory seared into my mind so that next time I don't trip up and go that same direction!
That random paragraph was simply because I want to focus totally on life...on sharing love with everyone I meet. I want to stop worrying about decisions I should make and just living in the fullness of God. I want to walk in a place where His grace just pours over me continually and I see Him in the midst of this always! I truly continue to seek a supernatural working out of grief.
So once again I celebrate my man! I celebrate that he was a life giver! I celebrate that he is continuing to impact and infect people! I celebrate that he is standing with so many of our friends who are now in Heaven and they are crying out for all the promises of God to come to completion on this earth!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Raw Emotion, Walking and Crazy Laughter!
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
- CS Lewis, A Grief Observed
This quote made sense to me. It's real and raw! And yet...
One of my greatest desires is to walk this journey with Heaven! There's this sense of freedom that I want God to release over my emotions. The ability to not need a "3 Step - How To" book to sort through my strange emotions. Instead, to be able to have a "normal" emotion moment and then a "deep, heart wrenching" emotion without it throwing me into a massive spiral. I like Jeff's quote,
"Many have said that the economy of the Kingdom operates backwards from that of the world. Actually, it's not the Kingdom that operates backwards. It's the world! Perspective is many times determined from what side of the equation you are on." I want a total Heaven perspective. I want to see God in the midst of all of this. I want to live the difference that He is!
The other night I watched the movie "Blended" with my brother. I'd had a few days where it was really hard to get myself out of this massive slump of emotion. I just felt like I was stuck in mud and there was no way to be freed. Well, when we put the movie on...so much was released out of me!! Oh my goodness…I have not laughed that hard in so very long! Seriously…crazy laughter and release! It was amazing! Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine. I felt a physical difference after the movie. I woke the next morning so much lighter and ready for what the day would hold.
So many times I've thought about how this journey I'm on is really a "money where your mouth is" journey. What I mean by that is that everything that Jeff and I preached, taught, discussed with people...it's now time to live it! How can I say that the bible says this or that in regard to living and then not live it? I'm walking grief through. What does that mean? How does that look? Where does it lead? The answer to the first two questions varies from person to person. That's a huge thing I've found. Oh sure, there are common things that happen while grieving, but the expression depends on the person. To the third question, where does it lead?...well, that all depends on which "Kingdom" it's walked through. I have decided that I want total LIFE from this journey. I want to look back and just see that a deepening took place in my relationship with Daddy God, that I celebrated and continued to honor a life of a man that I loved so dearly and that my daughter grew more and more in love with this God that her mother lives so passionately for. I want others to see more clearly what their created to be and challenged to live it to the fullest. If this journey leads to these things...woazers, how exciting is that!
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