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This entry is a little more of a "keepin' it real" one!

Okay...the holidays after your husband passes away are really not a good time. No matter how hard I try...just not easy to "create new memories" this year! And when I really think about it, not too sure I'm meant to go at it that way anyway! Ha! I often find that I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to the emotions of this time.

My South Dakota "home" was always the one place I could come and it was truly home! A place that brought comfort and peace and just that amazing feeling of belonging! This year that image was changed ever so slightly! In November as my parents walked through some health issues that were just crazy sudden and serious (they are now doing better with some more healing to come!), it caused this "home" to "shake" a little. Talk about, "are you kidding me" kind of feelings over and over again. And then one night as I lay in bed God showed me very clearly that this is not my "home"! That everything on this earth is so very temporary and the things in my life that have been my comfort need to be "cracked" so that I hold very loosely to them in order to see Him so much more clearly. This is not the first time that God has had this conversation with me! In 1993 when I was doing my Discipleship Training School with YWAM in Taiwan, we had a very similar talk. I remember calling my mom and crying to her on the phone. I said, "Mom...God is telling me that I have to let go of you and Dad." And my Mom answered, "let go honey...let go"! Yep, that's the stock I come from. The foundation that was laid under me from the time I was born. Parents who know what it means for me to truly follow Jesus...no turning back! And from that point on they have done nothing but support the crazy things God has called me into...including a ridiculously short courtship with a guy called Jeff Taguchi! But they have always trusted the Jesus in me! That is something that I value and I honor them for their sacrifice.

So my "home" concepts are just all messed up now. I guess in some ways I begin to understand the Christmas season more and more as I walk this path called my life! You see, God...He sent His Son, Jesus, to earth...knowing that in a super short time that little baby would become a man hanging on a cross and feeling the ultimate betrayal of friends and family and be totally separated from God for a brief time in order to take on the sins of my life (and all the rest of the world). He knew it and yet He still did it. His love is so crazy incredible and so full of life. In that one death complete life sprang forth for eternity...like never before!

God is a really incredible Father! His love is so much deeper than our minds and hearts can even begin to imagine. He is secure. He is passionate. He is comfortable.

Sure, in my life there are a few things that I'd love to "zap" back to the way they were. But I can't. The truth is 9 years ago a man entered my life and wrecked me for life as I knew it. He impacted my family and he impacted a lot of my friends. He felt like every day he was the luckiest guy on earth...why...because He got to do what He loves best...tell people about an incredible Father and be love to them for the Father! I got more packed into that short time than a lot of people get in 30 or 40 years.

I realize now that so much of my heart looked at coming "home" to be a security for my heart...my soul! It's not. The only security of my soul is Jesus Christ. It's my God who has always been beside me. The family I have...incredible...amazing...and so very loving...they are a gift from that incredible Heavenly Daddy. They are not my security. They are my gift! And when I look at them as that and don't try to find security in these amazing people...then I live fuller and better and bring love to them so much greater!

This Truth is something that takes a bit of time to walk through. But just as in 1993 I let go and "jumped off the cliff" with God...so too will I jump off the cliff again now! As Jeff used to say...Don't stand on the edge, where's the faith in that...just jump!!