Crazy Radical Love...what an amazing life!

Today I was thinking about how incredibly blessed I am to be where I am in life.  For years I have had a passion to equip others to fulfill their destiny.  When I was in my 20's I had this same passion...but I just didn't really know how it looked.  I was so young and how could I do this?  And as I grew older I just naturally was a certain way with people and tried to champion them to the greatness they were!  What God created them to be and not what the enemy lied to them about.  It wasn't until many years later when I married Jeff that I felt "validated" in this lifestyle!  Ha!  Marrying Jeff was not the validation...God was my validator!  But God allowed this marriage to increase who I was even more. Jeff was the greatest champion of who I was.  He promoted women in ministry and believed in what women are able to be and do within the Kingdom. I constantly felt like I could do whatever I desired to do in regard to dreams of ministry etc.  Wow...such a treasure to have this experience and culture all around me for those amazing years of marriage.

The best part is this past week is I've seen over and over again how innately it is a part of me.  It IS who God created me to be.  In a world that needs definition for identity I have a relaxed spirit that knows that I'm walking completely in who I am as a child of God.

But beyond me...as I walk in that naturally supernatural identity, tons of stuff happens that is just so fun!

When I was at the Open Heaven Cry Conference on Saturday I sat toward the back and watched passionate worshippers of God cry out for God and His presence.  In doing that His glory was brought into the place and people had amazing experiences with the one true God!  I watched a woman who is crazy radical for God and the fear of man is not even close to her heart!  She is walking in such an intimate place with Daddy God and brings people right along with her.  Her mother's heart is so beautiful and she loves through her expression and words on a regular basis.  I had conversations with individuals that truly inspired me.  A young man with a huge anointing allowed Holy Spirit to have total control of the room and honored him so well!  And God encountered my heart through a 22 year old amazing young woman (who is wise beyond her years).  I love it when someone ministers to me and then God allows me to minister right back to them!  That people, is the Church!

Then I was back at our church NLCC for Sunday service and meeting up with friends that I haven't seen for a couple weeks.  I get so excited about a new season of discipleship with some young women that are totally world changers.

In between all of that there have been divine appointments with people in my house and kisses from God when I just live totally in each moment.

My sister was with me for two weeks.  She was not able to come when Jeff passed away and wanted to spend time with me.  The best part is how she was able to get a taste of "my world" here in California.  By no means is it typical.

My Aunt Helen is now in California...she has given me the joy of coming to live with me!  Yep...she moved her life to California just to be with me and Emilia and to participate with us in life!  So thrilled of this season and all that is going to happen in all of our lives (not to mention a community of people that we will be loving on!).  I'm also so honored that with her here I'll be much more flexible to be able to go to the places God speaks to my heart to go and to continue training and equipping the hungry...and then releasing them to go out and do the will of the Father!

Whew...life is full.  Life is good. And life is totally unexpected.  Continue to breath in the goodness of God even in the midst of the crazy circumstances of life.  Continue to know that eternity is for real...it is not just this world, but so massively beyond.  The thing we each have to determine in our hearts is do we want it to be full and rich (the beyond part) or do we choose to be miserable and separated from God (the beyond part)?  It's simply a choice...today is the time we start living either one of those choices.

Heaven...

So, since Jeff's passing I have been very drawn to books on Heaven. I never really thought much in detail about heaven. I knew it would be where I lived for the rest of eternity...and I knew how much life was in Heaven...but beyond that not a lot of thought.

I spent a few days in Redding back in July.  While I was there I decided to visit a grief counselor at the Bethel Transformation Center.  The counselor I saw suggested a couple books for me to read.  One was called Revealing Heaven by Kat Kerr.

So yesterday I picked the book up.  In fact there are two volumes and I picked both of them up.  After spending the day with my sister when we got home I decided to sit and read for awhile.  Well, I couldn't put the book down. It was such a neat book. Now some may question this book and the authenticity...to be quite honest I do not.  I had such an incredible peace as I read it. I have decided not to write about it in detail as I'm sure it would stir up controversy and that's not my intention for this blog post!  But what happened to my spirit was crazy amazing.  I could see Jeff in Heaven with our good friend Wes who just passed away last year.  I could see him golfing on the most magnificent golf course.  I could see him fishing in water that held the most incredibly beautiful and delicious fish!  He is so happy.  He is worshipping His amazing Father with a full voice of harmony and praise!  He is also standing around the portal (that looks over the earth) declaring the promises of God over all of our family and friends that are still living on this earth!  I also had a sensation of seeing him playing with our two children that were miscarried, Levi Robert and Amanda Michelle!  They are so thrilled to have him there. They are laughing and dancing and just full of life!

I was ignited last night.  I saw Heaven in a really real way.  I didn't see it with my natural eye, but I felt it in my spirit.  I feel like the purpose I have on this earth is so much more significant.  I want to draw even closer and more intimate with Daddy God and hear His heart!

This afternoon I had a good friend write and tell me about a dream she had last night.
Jeff was in their kitchen talking to someone.  He was smiling and laughing and in my friends head she was like, "Oh that's nice he's having a great conversation." Then fast forward to the afternoon where she and her husband and Jeff were sitting in their living room.  Suddenly she was like, "WHAT? Jeff is HERE? and she asked him, "I thought you died awhile ago?" He smiled and said something about it being hard in the beginning, but now everything is ok.  She then saw me posting on FB that something had happened (I didn't say what) and she could feel a crazy amount of joy/excitement/faith coming from me.

When I read what she dreamed I just started crying.  I felt like God was confirming the peace I had.  I felt like there had been this release in my spirit and that although I do miss his presence on this earth, for the first time I truly grasped that His spirit is still very much alive.  He is walking on the most magnificent streets.  He is seeing music...yep, not just hearing it, but seeing it expressed in creative and wonderful ways.

You see, if this earth we live on is so magnificent...how much more incredible, creative, beautiful and full of life is Heaven.  God is the CREATOR!  He is the one that thought up all the cool things we have here.  He's the creator of our being and our minds.  He loves creating with us here.  How much more is He lavishing on all that have continued eternity with Him in Heaven!  Woazers!  Crazy amazing and incredible!  What I also like about the book is how very clear she is that the only way that we can enter Heaven is through our confession and belief that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.  He is the only way!  That alone makes me crazy excited to continue to show the incredible love of Jesus to everyone I meet.

Yesterday I was in line at the bank...some people came in and before even waiting two minutes began to complain that there were not enough tellers (there were only two working).  They yelled at some people to get more tellers.  They complained the entire time.  I tried to insert some positive things and some ways that we could constructively give our point of view that may help in the future.  But they just kept complaining that it would take them 15 minutes to be served.  Wow...people what have we become!  That alone slowed me down.  It allowed me to really look at priorities and how I treat people in every situation I'm in.  I want to have that memory seared into my mind so that next time I don't trip up and go that same direction!

That random paragraph was simply because I want to focus totally on life...on sharing love with everyone I meet.  I want to stop worrying about decisions I should make and just living in the fullness of God.  I want to walk in a place where His grace just pours over me continually and I see Him in the midst of this always!  I truly continue to seek a supernatural working out of grief.

So once again I celebrate my man!  I celebrate that he was a life giver!  I celebrate that he is continuing to impact and infect people!  I celebrate that he is  standing with so many of our friends who are now in Heaven and they are crying out for all the promises of God to come to completion on this earth!

Raw Emotion, Walking and Crazy Laughter!

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”  

- CS Lewis, A Grief Observed

This quote made sense to me. It's real and raw!  And yet...

One of my greatest desires is to walk this journey with Heaven!  There's this sense of freedom that I want God to release over my emotions.  The ability to not need a "3 Step - How To" book to sort through my strange emotions.  Instead, to be able to have a "normal" emotion moment and then a "deep, heart wrenching" emotion without it throwing me into a massive spiral.  I like Jeff's quote, 

"Many have said that the economy of the Kingdom operates backwards from that of the world. Actually, it's not the Kingdom that operates backwards. It's the world! Perspective is many times determined from what side of the equation you are on." I want a total Heaven perspective.  I want to see God in the midst of all of this. I want to live the difference that He is!

The other night I watched the movie "Blended" with my brother.  I'd had a few days where it was really hard to get myself out of this massive slump of emotion.  I just felt like I was stuck in mud and there was no way to be freed.  Well, when we put the movie on...so much was released out of me!!  Oh my goodness…I have not laughed that hard in so very long!  Seriously…crazy laughter and release!  It was amazing!  Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine. I felt a physical difference after the movie.  I woke the next morning so much lighter and ready for what the day would hold.  

So many times I've thought about how this journey I'm on is really a "money where your mouth is" journey.  What I mean by that is that everything that Jeff and I preached, taught, discussed with people...it's now time to live it! How can I say that the bible says this or that in regard to living and then not live it?  I'm walking grief through. What does that mean?  How does that look? Where does it lead? The answer to the first two questions varies from person to person.  That's a huge thing I've found. Oh sure, there are common things that happen while grieving, but the expression depends on the person. To the third question, where does it lead?...well, that all depends on which "Kingdom" it's walked through.  I have decided that I want total LIFE from this journey. I want to look back and just see that a deepening took place in my relationship with Daddy God, that I celebrated and continued to honor a life of a man that I loved so dearly and that my daughter grew more and more in love with this God that her mother lives so passionately for.  I want others to see more clearly what their created to be and challenged to live it to the fullest.  If this journey leads to these things...woazers, how exciting is that!